Dr. Pulos had asked me to write my autobiography as a mystic and I told him that I’m not really interested talking about myself but then I realized this is not about me but to help guide other mystics who are still in that field of the unknown and not being sure of how to make something about their existence so here I am and dedicating this story of my mystic life to all the living mystics outside of the monasteries. As I remember vividly when I was 2 yr old having been diagnosed with Diphtheria and was clinically dead, my mother would tell me this story that she was in the telephone calling our big family of 10 children whom I’m the baby to bring in the money for I died. Then, suddenly the nurses ran and was screaming at her that I’m not dead that I’m back to life. This message always astonishes my little heart as I vividly see my mother holding my tiny body, and the hospital with special attraction to the French white door in the hallway and saw my 2 brothers running in the hallway. This is my fist out of body experience and there was a complete darkness, which is one of the great puzzle for me as I asked God “why was I in the dark?” and finally this question had been answered and I heard God telling me because you were in the womb of creation as I was given the vision of Genesis and in this paradise of heaven I was growing and playing with the angels, which I described in one of the chapters of the angels.
My childhood was fun filled memories, I loved nature and I grew up in the beautiful and exotic land of the Philippines for 17 yrs. My days were filled of nature, plants, animals and children playing in the streets. I wake up early in the morning to take my pillow at this huge Calachuchi or Plumeria flower tree right in our back yard. I would lie down in the midst of the curve of the tree and admire these awesome white petals with bordered Yellow and exotic scent of Plumeria. I talked to the tree, flowers and butterflies and love every minute that I spent there. My mom would screamed in terror after waking up and finding me missing in my bed. You can hear her yelling from inside the house “Tesang come down from the tree!” This is the normal routine of our mornings, laughing at myself now I can not imagine the pain that I caused my poor mother. I also run to the Pacific ocean every sneaky ways I can which of course got me into trouble as my mother would tell me not to go near the beach because of my safety, but of course I would not follow her command. I grew up with a mother who was strict, disciplinarian and religious faithful Catholic. I was brought up to go to church every Sunday and say the rosary to mother Mary everyday.
My sister who is like a nun brought me up, Carmen who is like a living saint in the Philippines. She guided and teach me the ways of a religious holy woman. I was always fascinated with churches and how people come together to honor God and Jesus in the cross. We were brought up in this tradition of Saints and feasts, there would be lots of stage plays in the streets of Paranaque where I grew up and spent my childhood, specially in Lenten season and my brother Michael would portrayed Jesus in the cross and I would follow him in his way to Calvary so to speak. I was also involve as an actress playing the part of mother Mary in stage plays. I wanted to be an actress but my mother would not allow this to happen as she believed that an actress life is filled with drama and shame which actually happen to my life.
As a gifted child I would always know and talk to my angels, dream of them and talked about them to my friends. Would also show them that they have power and that they are always with us. I like playing as a minister who gave the body of Christ and pretend that I’m a priestess. I was very active, cooking with plants, taking a bath outside our house with bull frogs while talking to them, took care of ducks and gathered their eggs and would give them to my mother. There was a special memory regarding the ducks eggs. My mother was turning 50 and I had this brilliant idea to give her 50 duck eggs, so I hid them and presented these eggs on her birthday and everybody was laughing because my mom was all the while wondering to whatever happen to the ducks, why they stop laying eggs it’s because I was hiding them for her. Very creative and resourceful that I am at the age of nine, this age is very significant to me as this is time that I have seen 2 ghosts right before my eyes. At first it was my grandmother of my father Manuel, I often ask him why I don’t have grandparents while I was growing up and because all of them died at young middle age. One night I woke up in the middle of the night and saw an old lady with long hair sitting beside my father’s bed and caressing his hair and she smiled at me. I told my Papa about this and he confirms to me that it was my grandmother, that was a lovely feeling that I got from my father to trust what I saw. Then, the other one was my cousin who had died of a heart attack in the country side of the country where my aunts lived. There was this eerie feelings around me while I was asleep and wants me to wake up. I tried not to open my eyes but felt very fearful so I open my eyes and saw my cousin standing by the door of the guest room where he used to stay when he visited us. I felt my body numbed and ran away towards the stairwell and my mother was sure enough walking up in the stairs with a candle lit in her hand as it was a black out at that time. In the Philippines we have these evenings where there is no electricity to conserve energy and that was one evening that we had no light, I ran to her and she told me that the vision was not real that I was just dreaming. But I know deep within me that it wasn’t a dream that I had an experience of seeing a ghost.
I was a very good student and became the president of the class every year of my grade school. I was determined to be a leader of the group and always have this confidence right from the get go. Also became an editor of the newspaper and create a lot of projects as a little girl that would make a difference in the community. Became the Valedictorian of the graduating class in my elementary school but as I reached the school hard knocks when I was 15 yr old, my life as an academic student became upside down. I was involve in the drama and sufferings of life. I was facing pregnancy, sexual abuse from my father, abuse from my brother, abandonment and denial issues with my mother and many more trials and tribulations that I can not even comprehend to this day how in the world did I survive all of these. The only thing that held me together was the love of God, the faith that I’m not alone in this darkness and know in my heart that this is not given in vain.
My first book about the darkness in my life was withheld from being published as my family refused this and out of my respect to my father who was alive then, I took it back from the publisher and decided to keep it to myself. For some reason now I’m ready to go back to church and publish the book for those victims and help them in their sorrows. I felt connected to what had happen in my life and saw the bigger picture of what God had want me to do with all these dark nights. I knew somehow that this is meant to happen but out of other forces against my will it was not done and I believe everything is about timing. This book “Deepest, Darkest Secrets Wounds of my Soul” is totally different from my current state of mind now. When I was writing that book I was a religious person and only know that being Catholic is the only way. I became an Eternal student of spirituality and realized that religions are all good foundations of beliefs that had been passed through us in our existence and should not be the base of our soul. I believe there are many paths toward enlightenment but all goes to the directions towards the path of love, peace and joy. When someone had finally let go of beliefs, ego, attachments, false self and be a free spirit with a beautiful heart and soul towards other sentient beings. Only then one can find inner peace about his own self and spirit.
I was very intrigued by mysticism and studied Palm reading, Astrology, Numerology, Graphology and shared my gifts to my family and friends. I have paranormal events like having premonitions about accidents that are about to happen and waking up relaying it to my family and then watching it comes true. I always believe that there is a Higher Power and for some reason I know that I was tapping into this Source. I believe that everything happens for a reason and a that there is always a bigger purpose in this lifetime. The molestations that was imprinted in my young life between my father and I was a Sacred contract that we had fulfilled in this lifetime to help others who are suffering of sexual abuse. That there is light in darkness and if I can do it, anyone can do it. It is this inner strength that kept me alive and move forward to this new life of healed memories and learn the lesson of unconditional love and forgiveness. Truly our blueprint is created in the Akashic Records to help us evolve and be align to our highest potential in this lifetime, we need to tap to our own Records to know our soul and become anchored to our physical existence. Without this knowledge and wisdom it will be difficult to remember our home. That’s why I heard the words ” you are returning to home” before I enter the studies of the Akashic Records because truly this is our home where our soul resides and all the cellular and DNA memories are stored and kept with highest and noblest teachings of the Ancient and all that is created in our human consciousness. We are a part of the cosmic, Universal and collective consciousness of human beings and all the beings that are here.
In sharing my life, with all my shadows, darkness, ups and downs, shame and guilt, fears and anything that is not of light that usually human beings tend to hide I openly and honestly share to all that needed to hear this voice of hope. I made videos of my personal dramas and turmoils in You Tube and name it Tezamysticangel on Oct 2008 after the suicidal death of my son Theo’s best friend. When I was in the funeral I felt the pain of a mother who just lost his son and in my heart I felt stubbed to death and decided to expose the darkness in my life to help others in their sufferings. I knew that my family didn’t agree with the expose but truly I’ve forgiven my father and see the bigger picture of our contracts. That I’m here to help others heal of their deepest wounds and shame. The guilt that someone carries when she or he is victimized which is not right because we are not about sufferings, we are about love. This chosen path of being a wounded healer is not an easy job because it entails a great deal of honesty and humiliation. When you totally surrender your life as just is, a reflection of your heart and soul, knowing that there is nothing to hide because in the end it’s all about the love that you have felt within your heart and life. The relationships that you built and cared for, the friends that were there in your darkest hours, the family that abandoned you but was able to ask for forgiveness and reconciled with all the mistakes that was done, the sharing, giving and receiving that you did with strangers and many souls that touched your life these are some of the meaningful memories that will play a big importance in your passing away. That will hold the transition more peaceful and open to the new dimension that you are going to traverse.
As a nurse and spent a lot of times with the dying, I feel the compassion of witnessing an event that no other family is present during this hour of transition. I hold the hands of the dying and whisper to their ears “don’t be afraid, your loved ones are waiting for you, you are loved!” with these words they slowly let go of this attachment to life and physical form. They smile and send me this angelic feeling of release and fills the room with an awesome knowing that our life is bigger than this physical life but our soul encompasses the Universal energy fields. Our soul that is embody in this form is finally free and feels loved after all the drama, we have return to our home. There is only love and fear is an illusion of our ego but it is important part of the process to integrate and embrace our ego and spirit to be balance and create a space of harmonious living within our truth and existence. Without going deeply and having these dark nights of the soul we can not pass these lessons in life. We continually create a karmic bond within our Records of life. It is an ending cyclical process of bonding and attachments just like an addict who can not control his addictions. We need to face our fears, ego and realized that this is our mirror to guide us in our truth. What we face and put attention to it dissipates the darkness and becomes one with light. It is what it is, we are living in duality but as we evolve as souls knowing of our true home. We see the duality as oneness because without the other there is no wholesomeness. As I see the one who needs healing as the healer itself, I believe I’m just a space of unconditional love to connect to the Divine. Because the healing only takes place when a person acknowledges the inner strength and Higher Power that is giving the healing. The healer is within, no body can heal you but yourself you don’t need anyone to heal you.
In my experiences as a healer I see the pattern of dependency of clients to the healer. I believe in self empowerment and tapping into your own Source because we all have this innate power to heal ourselves with the Divine intervention. Ask and it shall be given. Simple, yet we don’t tap into this power house of God and God within. This is our birth right from the Universe, tapping into our highest potential and creating manifestations that is for the good of all creations. We are but a part of this magnificent Source, let us not waste anymore time, live in the present moment self realizing that this is it, your future time is here created in this present moment of knowing that you are here to experience greatness, love, peace, joy, compassion for all sentient beings, nature, plants and animals. We are a part of all that is, let us wake up and create a beautiful new holistic perceptions of life. Evolved, enlightened and engaged conscious human being.
As an evolved soul and human being I’m now ready and willing to be a Wounded Healer and truly recognized that these wounds are not given for me to keep but to expose to others just like the wounds in our body, they need to be open and expose to air at times to heal. The deep healing of these wounds take time, layers of bruised and inflamed tissues of our cellular tissues and just like the wounds of my soul they needed this loving and time to heal to the core. Allowing and receiving this love from God and others help me know that these wounds are what makes me beautiful inside and out. The joy to be able to transcend pain and find treasures in the dark. We are all in the same field of light and love, we can only know that truth when we have finally see our selves as one with this true light and love that is the same for everyone. As long as we hold to the pain, fear, judgement and separation, we will never see this light and love because of holding to our story of victim consciousness. When one is not able to see that our enemies are our mirrors for our own healing and bigger purpose in life, we will continue the path of pain. When we surrender, allowing our truth to shine and only believing the power of light and love, we will come to know our truth and have inner peace. We are all mirrors of love if one sees the other with love and let go of fear and separation. We have the power to unite and be in this unified consciousness when we choose to do so. Use your freewill to choose the will of God, be CLEAR with your Consciousness, having the Energy of Love with your Awareness and Remembrance of your true spirit and soul.
Blessings!
