From death to life: a teeanage abortion survivor tells her story

This is my written testimony on May 21, 2001 that I wrote in The B.C. Catholic newspaper and I’m here and inspired to share this to all to promote the sanctity of life.

This is what the Lord says; “A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping. Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more.”

“Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, ” declares the Lord. “They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future,” declares the Lord. “Your children will return to their own land.”(Jer. 31:15-17)

This is the start of the story of Jasmine, my sweet angel. I knew all along God had a bigger plan for my life, because I believe He will never allow these trials if not for a purpose. In writing this story I ask God to guide me in this calling, it’s a calling because I would not be telling you my life story if not for His glory. God seems to have designed my heart this way. Deeply, I don’t have shame, guilt, fear or desire to be secretive about this situation because in my heart I believe the truth will set you free! Nothing is hidden in His eyes, and I will gladly serve others by my experience if it will bring forth good fruits.

I was living in the Phillippines when it happend; I was just 14 when my parents decided that we would be moving to California. My parents left ahead of me, and I was left under the supervision of my brother. Unfortunately, my brother was quite over protective and insecure. He was physically and verbally abusive towards me. Due to confusion and abandonement, I became a rebel. I had a boyfriend and decided to take revenge on my brother. On my brother’s birthday I dared my boyfriend to make love to me. What a dumb idea but at that time I needed love and validation. I became pregnant.

My parents returned from California. They were worried about the family’s reputation, and my father and brother told me that I had to choose to either marry my boyfriend or abort the baby. I was very depressed, because I wanted to keep the baby but did not want to get married. The next thing I knew my brother and sister took me to a stranger’s house. I can vividly picture the house of that abortionist. There were lots of statues of saints, and in the bedroom where she did the abortions there were fetuses inside the jars, in alignment.

I was very shocked and hurt to see this. I never uttered a word. It was like going to a death sentence. She asked me to lie down and inserted a catheter. I was numb and mentally blank. I felt abused and was dying inside. She told my family that the baby would not be expelled until the next day, so we left. We went to my other brother’s house, because my parents didn’t want me back home. Around 3 o’clock in the morning I was bleeding and in extreme pain. I went to void and felt something. I looked and in the toilet and there was a little mass of blood. Shocked, I screamed at my sister and she flushed the toilet. I was hemorrhaging. My brother wrapped me in a blanket and ran for a taxi, carrying me all the way.

They returned me to that abortionist, and she performed a D and C without anaesthesia. I was in agony but my agony was about losing my baby not about the physical pain. She said I was the only person (on whom she had performed such a procedure) who didn’t scream in pain. She didn’t know that I was dying inside. After a couple of weeks I returned to my parents. But I felt lonely, because nobody talked to me. It was as if everybody was avoiding me. I started isolating myself to the point of not leaving my room for a month. I went into a deep depression. I remember my sister said to me “I missed your laughter, what happend to you?” The vibrant teenager that they knew was gone. In my loneliness I continually blamed God and angry at the world. I wanted to die.

Finally, my family couldn’t handle me anymore, I went to hospital and stayed for a month, being treated with strong anti- depressant medications. I started seeing a Psychiatrist and was put into therapy. I remember I wrote a letter addressed to my family and titled it “Open book,” about my feelings. It was a beautiful book and I wish I had kept it for you to know how a teenager feels when she had been stripped away of her rights. A right to give life!

The story didn’t end there my depression stayed with me till 18 yrs of age. I came to Canada and stayed at my brother’s place for a vacation. I found out that they were unable to have children. They were married for 10 yrs, I really felt bad about it. I said a novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help for them.

I got pregnant again. This time I did something right. I hid it from my family for six months so they could not kill my child. I dedicated my baby to my brother. Every night, I talked to my child and told him that I’m doing this because of love. I knew I couldn’t provide for him, and he wasn’t going to have a father if I kept him because again I didn’t want to commit. Matt Anthony was born and he was a gift from God. I told God that this is my offering for the abortion that I had when I was 15. Even though it wasn’t my plan to commit that hideous sin, I still felt responsible, because it was my body that was used. The guilt that I was carrying was lifted off my shoulders. When Matt was two months old, I gave him to my brother.

I had an awesome revelation during a retreat I recently went on. I know God wants me to do something about my experience. I was reading Jeremiah in my Bible and thought that Rachel sounded familiar. I remembered seeing Project Rachel on the bulletin board of Our Lady of Mercy church. It is an organization that helps women with post-abortion issues. I talked to my parish priest and ask him “where do aborted babies go father?”He replied, “in the palm of God’s hands!” My heart leaped for joy knowing Jasmine, my sweet angel, is with God waiting and praying for me.

This letter was written when I was asked to write something for my aborted child in a book that was published for aborted babies in the Christian community. Out of the blue I got a letter from someone that they want a letter for my aborted baby and this transpired.

Thirty three yrs ago, I lost the chance of having you because of unfortunate choices that my family made in my young life of fifteen. Although, it wasn’t my choice to lose you, my body was the vehicle of your death and felt a great sense of grief, guilt and responsibility for this hideous murder. Looking back I really don’t know how I stayed sane through the course of my lifetime. As you know your brothers and sister had kept me going through all the years. They gave me the chance to be a good mother, which I never had with you. Losing you made me a better person and realized that I have the voice to reach out to those women who are experiencing the same agony. To give hope where there is doubt and to bring light where there is darkness. You taught me the greatest thing of all which is love.

I’ve been writing about us and never really thought of writing to you until this calling was made. This is the first time that I truly communicated with you. I don’t know how or what I’m going to tell you but I’m doing it anyway. You are my sweet angel and always watching over me and your siblings. In your world there is so much love that I can hardly wait to be there. All my life I wanted to be with you but I guess I still have some work to do here. I believe things happen for a reason and in God’s hands I surrender my life.

Jasmine, I’m truly sorry for not haviing you and for my family’s action of abortion. I can’t bring back the past and all I have now is the present moment. I want you to know that even though I lost you, that you are always in my heart and soul. Everytime I see and smell flowers I’m reminded of you and your beauty in my life. Can you imagine that out of a dreadful experience I will bear fruits of healing, love, hope, faith, joy, forgiveness, surrender, serenity and peace? These are the gifts that you brought into my heart and I thank you for forgiving and allowing me to be your mother in spirit.

Love is timeless and boundless. My love for you is as real as here and now. It leaps through space and time. It is eternal and bliss. Thank you for your presence and love that I feel in my heart. There is nothing in this world that would make my life completely perfect until that time when you take my hand and meet me there in the gateway of heaven.

I love you with my heart and soul.

Mommy Teza

The Mystic Archetype dwells with the Divine within and lives symbolically in the material world we call Earth.The challenge is to balance and how to walk the mystical path with practical feet and living in between worlds of materialism and spirituality. Grounding is an important factor to transcend this archetypal blueprint template. There is a borderline between insanity or madness because when you are in your “ecstasy” you are not in touch with your present reality. You are one in communal with God and you seem to lose touch with your present moment.

The personal challenge for me is when my family members don’t understand what a mystic is and assume that they know everything about you. They want their peace of mind so they want you to take a “magic pill” that will clear them of their own fear . Their fears is actually about them, it is the fear of letting go with control and attachments. They want everything to be in control and balance so when they see you in your “ecstasy” they are scared that they will lose you and their lives will be in chaos. But actually it’s their own world that they can’t manage because they can’t accept the fact that their own mother is a mystic and should not be justified by any medical community that there is something wrong with her.

This is the illusion that humanity needs to accept that a mystic is simply longing to be left alone with the Divine time in her private reclusion or retreat. Let her be, as long as she doesn’t harm herself. They feel more rejected by the world when their own family members, co workers, friends give them a label that they are insane. Who really knows what sanity is? When is the world going to wake up? We continually live in sham and drudgery, the mystics know they are not insane but the society doesn’t give them credibility for these beautiful gifts of unconditional love. They seem to recognize the insanity of the mystics because they are afraid of their own darkness and shadows. It is living outside your box in order to make room for the mystics.

To see and feel the pain of the mentallly challenged patients in the Mental Institution because there is no one there to care and truly listen to their broken hearts is quite an awakening experience. We need to wake up as one collective consciousness to be aware that our world is not cut out for everyone. We have all different gifts and voices to be heard in the midst of our dark nights. We have the birthright to voice our true spirit and longings of our souls, where no one dares to thread. I am the voice of a mystic that truly feels the pain and sufferings of being ridiculed, judged and labeled. Enough is enough. We need to voice and see the beautiful gifts of the mystics outside the monasteries. We are here, to serve our humanity elevate their consciousness and become one with the Divine Source of everything. We are all one, children of God whatever God means for you.

There is a healing power waiting to be reveal when you tapped into this gift of writing from Betsy Otter Thompson. As I read her works and conversations with Jesus as a conscious loving energy and universal love that I felt, you wonder how in the world did she channelled such profound wisdom. There is no doubt that it is a message of love and grace, I felt that I was literally talking to Jesus when I read her work.

She takes some particular apostles or characters that are relevant to that era and the inner reflections of these people in the times of Jesus mirrors to me my own inner reflections in the way that Jesus would look and feels about me, my behavior and illusions. The harsh judgements that we condone ourselves is not how God sees us but within our hearts lies the answers and truth about God. She brings the God within that experiences life as love of yourself and others. The beauty of every emotions that are being expanded, experimented upon and lived by these disciples and how they relate to our modernized culture and how God sees the soul as consciousness and emotions that are felt within our hearts.

Reflecting on each emotions became my tour guide like a map towards my inner path and emotional rescue towards enlightenment. The writer’s perspective and view brings you into your own reality and how God sees what you don’t see. The truth underlying every energy or emotions that we hold are being revealed to its glorious light or shadows to help accelerate your emotional growth and connection to the truth of who we are in the eyes of Jesus.

This book took me into an emotional journey and the illusions that I was blinded to see became clear and transcendent understanding of how Jesus sees me in the eyes of love. The wisdom that lies in the author’s cross examination of Jesus way of perceiving us in consciousness level, and how we can be empowered in walking through these illusions finding light within and love along the way is the gift that this book entails, without a doubt it is a book to read and reflect upon in your daily spiritual reflections. Every emotions that I examined became a reflective moment in my inner garden and see how it fits right in my daily life.

There is empowerment, healing of the mind, body and spirit within the context of the book. I highly recommend this walk of life, profound words of wisdom from the author’s reflections and conversations with the energy of Jesus. This book will expand your awareness and understanding of what love is and how you are a part of this illusion that we are all experiencing. The wisdom is in awakening, healing this consciousness that blocks our humanity into evolution in oneness with all that is.

Thank you Betsy for giving me an opportunity to review your beautiful contribution to our human evolution of consciousness and to speak of your gifts of healing and Jesus love.

Blessings,

Teza

The mysticism of my life is being revealed to me in so many ways, I’m living in a parallel universe where I can tap into my higher self and many lives that I live, as I live in this third dimension. I’m in awe of this “knowing” as I traverse this eternal time that I live, within the confines of this three dimensional body, tapping into the past lives,  incarnations and future lives. I never dreamt in  this lifetime that I will be able to grasp all of these “knowings” that I’m now experiencing. We are being called to recall, remember, allow our past lives, future lives to be in one body and experience many lifetimes that we embody. Multidimensionally living in this lifetime, in many dimensions of the universe and the universe within us.

There is no coincidence that you are reading this because we have energetically met and will be meeting as we are travelling in these many dimensions of the universe. They are like windows of our souls that we tap every time we consciously recall our past lives and remember where we were once in our lifetimes. Many souls and one body that we now inhibit. There are many parallel forms of our soul in many fragments of our beings. We recall them as we live in this dimension and become attune with our frequency.

As we vibrate in a higher frequency, we become attune with our sound, light and color vibratory frequency and then we tap into our formless and core soul. We are being given the chance to finally incarnate once and for all and find all the selves that once had lived and find that our destination is here. No more incarnations, we are done with our search and we finally evolve to our highest level or mastery of our soul. This is what we are here for, to integrate our beginnings and endings with eternal time, heaven and earth is finally connecting right here, now and then. There are no words to describe this “knowing” but you will feel it in the deepest core of your heart and your cellular memory. It will bring you to a space of bliss, peace, love and harmony. The samadhi, where there is no questions but all is one and one is all. 

There is no death in my eyes, the physical body or case will go back to Mother Earth, but the eternal soul that resides within us, lives on and forever in connection with us who are still here. The sufferings that the loved ones experienced are but their attachments to the character and personal experiences that they had when the person was alive. But when you are attune to your higher self then you know, that they didn’t leave you but they just change their dimension and when you vibrate in that frequency of dimension you can literally see them as if they are here with you on Earth, as I continually visit them in their causal plane.

My spiritual evolution started with my foundations as a practicing Catholic, and now as a free spirited non- religious being. I searched and experimented on religions and somehow found myself that all these paths lead me to my relationships with my self first, then this reflects my relationships with God and how I see others. The things that I judge about others are actually about my judgements against myself. Until I recognized this part of my suffering I went on a cycle of searching for release of pain and suffering. Needless that I know that what I’ve been seeing is who I am about and how I see myself. Then, I integrated this knowledge to myself that I will stop judging others because I don’t want to be in this space of judgements anymore. This is all my illusion on how people should behave and how I’m perceive in this illusion in not important anymore. The power of this illusion is gone as well as the judgements that I put upon my relationships with others. This is true freedom of self and living in the mysticism of my existence. I started living simply and detach myself from ego and other people’s opinions.

The mysticism that we search in our lifetime is about us believing that we are it and nothing else. We embody this and we are the truth that we believe we are and that’s all what we need. My way of atonement with this enlightenment is to have self reflections and see beyond the illusion of separation. We are in oneness and in this space we are connected to the fibre of our being. It takes one recognition that we are one that will send this rippling effect to the universe and all things become one consciousness, unified and collected in the spirit of love and peace.

When you partake in this process of dying to your false self, you will annihilate your false self which is the ego, then you will see that your spirit is married to the ego because they are in need of each other to be here in the third dimension. When you have integrated your true self, the soul to your ego, the illusion of the mind, thenyou become one with your soul. The oneness will bring you in the space of love, the highest frequency of all that is. You will be aligning to your higher self, a journey with your beloved soul. The one meets the all and the all meets the one. You become a creator of your destiny, you will come from the view point of a soul not the fragmented selves. Then you will realized that all that is here now is but a reflection where you left off in the other incarnation or the unresolved issues that has been coming up is but the unconscious waking up and consciously connecting to the sleep state of your being.

You are travelling in these many dimensions of your souls and other lifetimes that you lived, future parallel lives that you are, but the true destiny resides here where you are attune to your higher self and functioning in many multi faceted, integrated, wholesome being and happy state of your soul. You will heal your soul in many areas of your life that you feel disconnected, transforming how you see your life unfolds and evolve. Evolving as many souls in one body, attaining freedom of the spirit, not attaching to anything not even your own body. This is the wisdom of discovering your spirit, how it evolves into the highest evolution of your soul.