This letter was written on May 10, 2004 to my father for our healing and I also talked about this is in my You tube site which is under “Tezamysticangel” which has now attracted 81,400 viewers since I’ve opened it on 2008.

Happy 85′th birthday! I’m writing this letter because I want to put a closure to my healing wounds. In doing so I will be able to let go of all the feelings that I wasn’t able to tell you because of so many reasons. I will help the little girl in me to have a voice and finally be heard. To continue to grow in trust and safety in God’s hands.

Papa, I wanted you to know that I’ve forgiven you for all the things that you’ve done to me in the past. Bur deep inside of me there are so many unspoken pains and unhealed memories of the past that needed to be in the light. In order to dispel the power of darkness. What I mean to say is that I needed to tell you so that it will not come back to haunt me anymore. Like a ghost restless and haunting. I still remembered growing up, you used to call me in your room and seduced me with fruits to go inside and you would tell me that it’s our secret. Then, you would ask me to remove my uniform shirt because it was too hot and I would do that and ate my fruits and watched tv. I can vividly remember how you watched and lusted for me. I didn’t knkow better because you were my father. I thought love is seduction and lust. I would feel important, special and wanted because this is the way you shared love to me. Why did you do this? Are you sick?

For whatever reasons the damage was done and I was broken. I didn’t know that this is the way a father should treat his daughter. The most hurful part of this is when you sucked my breast after the abortion. Do you know how deep is the wound that you have stubbed me in my heart? It felt like a sword had cut right through my heart. I lost my true identiy as a woman. I don’t know how to trust, love and respect my body. I don’t know the concept of boundary because of your trespasses. I don’t know my self worth, it felt like a garbage dirty and not wanted. These are all the ugly feelings that resulted from what you had sowed in my little girl’s heart. I’m not going through counseling and it was revealed to me that I needed to write a letter to heal my deepest wounds.

Papa, I’ve truly forgiven you. This letter will surely hurt but the intention is to share with you my deepest sorrows, in order for me to heal completely. This is from the past and I know God wants me to bury this behind. Out of this experience I became closer to God, telling Him all my heartaches. I would like to end this with a prayer for both of us.

Dearest God,

We thank you for bringing us together in spirit, being able to voice out my feelings and opening my wounds to my father. To bring a closure to the past. We ask you for forgiveness, compassion and mercy. Thank you for renewing our minds, body and souls. Transform us into your image and use us as instruments of your healing power. That with our story we could touch other souls who are going through the same darkness. Thank you for bringing your light into our hearts. The light that heals and comforts our broken hearts. Thank you for being a Father to all of us, and I ask you to bless my father and fill his heart with complete joy, love and peace. We ask you this through Christ our Lord Amen.

Praying for healing and true forgiveness,
Teza

From death to life: a teeanage abortion survivor tells her story

This is my written testimony on May 21, 2001 that I wrote in The B.C. Catholic newspaper and I’m here and inspired to share this to all to promote the sanctity of life.

This is what the Lord says; “A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping. Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more.”

“Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, ” declares the Lord. “They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future,” declares the Lord. “Your children will return to their own land.”(Jer. 31:15-17)

This is the start of the story of Jasmine, my sweet angel. I knew all along God had a bigger plan for my life, because I believe He will never allow these trials if not for a purpose. In writing this story I ask God to guide me in this calling, it’s a calling because I would not be telling you my life story if not for His glory. God seems to have designed my heart this way. Deeply, I don’t have shame, guilt, fear or desire to be secretive about this situation because in my heart I believe the truth will set you free! Nothing is hidden in His eyes, and I will gladly serve others by my experience if it will bring forth good fruits.

I was living in the Phillippines when it happend; I was just 14 when my parents decided that we would be moving to California. My parents left ahead of me, and I was left under the supervision of my brother. Unfortunately, my brother was quite over protective and insecure. He was physically and verbally abusive towards me. Due to confusion and abandonement, I became a rebel. I had a boyfriend and decided to take revenge on my brother. On my brother’s birthday I dared my boyfriend to make love to me. What a dumb idea but at that time I needed love and validation. I became pregnant.

My parents returned from California. They were worried about the family’s reputation, and my father and brother told me that I had to choose to either marry my boyfriend or abort the baby. I was very depressed, because I wanted to keep the baby but did not want to get married. The next thing I knew my brother and sister took me to a stranger’s house. I can vividly picture the house of that abortionist. There were lots of statues of saints, and in the bedroom where she did the abortions there were fetuses inside the jars, in alignment.

I was very shocked and hurt to see this. I never uttered a word. It was like going to a death sentence. She asked me to lie down and inserted a catheter. I was numb and mentally blank. I felt abused and was dying inside. She told my family that the baby would not be expelled until the next day, so we left. We went to my other brother’s house, because my parents didn’t want me back home. Around 3 o’clock in the morning I was bleeding and in extreme pain. I went to void and felt something. I looked and in the toilet and there was a little mass of blood. Shocked, I screamed at my sister and she flushed the toilet. I was hemorrhaging. My brother wrapped me in a blanket and ran for a taxi, carrying me all the way.

They returned me to that abortionist, and she performed a D and C without anaesthesia. I was in agony but my agony was about losing my baby not about the physical pain. She said I was the only person (on whom she had performed such a procedure) who didn’t scream in pain. She didn’t know that I was dying inside. After a couple of weeks I returned to my parents. But I felt lonely, because nobody talked to me. It was as if everybody was avoiding me. I started isolating myself to the point of not leaving my room for a month. I went into a deep depression. I remember my sister said to me “I missed your laughter, what happend to you?” The vibrant teenager that they knew was gone. In my loneliness I continually blamed God and angry at the world. I wanted to die.

Finally, my family couldn’t handle me anymore, I went to hospital and stayed for a month, being treated with strong anti- depressant medications. I started seeing a Psychiatrist and was put into therapy. I remember I wrote a letter addressed to my family and titled it “Open book,” about my feelings. It was a beautiful book and I wish I had kept it for you to know how a teenager feels when she had been stripped away of her rights. A right to give life!

The story didn’t end there my depression stayed with me till 18 yrs of age. I came to Canada and stayed at my brother’s place for a vacation. I found out that they were unable to have children. They were married for 10 yrs, I really felt bad about it. I said a novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help for them.

I got pregnant again. This time I did something right. I hid it from my family for six months so they could not kill my child. I dedicated my baby to my brother. Every night, I talked to my child and told him that I’m doing this because of love. I knew I couldn’t provide for him, and he wasn’t going to have a father if I kept him because again I didn’t want to commit. Matt Anthony was born and he was a gift from God. I told God that this is my offering for the abortion that I had when I was 15. Even though it wasn’t my plan to commit that hideous sin, I still felt responsible, because it was my body that was used. The guilt that I was carrying was lifted off my shoulders. When Matt was two months old, I gave him to my brother.

I had an awesome revelation during a retreat I recently went on. I know God wants me to do something about my experience. I was reading Jeremiah in my Bible and thought that Rachel sounded familiar. I remembered seeing Project Rachel on the bulletin board of Our Lady of Mercy church. It is an organization that helps women with post-abortion issues. I talked to my parish priest and ask him “where do aborted babies go father?”He replied, “in the palm of God’s hands!” My heart leaped for joy knowing Jasmine, my sweet angel, is with God waiting and praying for me.

This letter was written when I was asked to write something for my aborted child in a book that was published for aborted babies in the Christian community. Out of the blue I got a letter from someone that they want a letter for my aborted baby and this transpired.

Thirty three yrs ago, I lost the chance of having you because of unfortunate choices that my family made in my young life of fifteen. Although, it wasn’t my choice to lose you, my body was the vehicle of your death and felt a great sense of grief, guilt and responsibility for this hideous murder. Looking back I really don’t know how I stayed sane through the course of my lifetime. As you know your brothers and sister had kept me going through all the years. They gave me the chance to be a good mother, which I never had with you. Losing you made me a better person and realized that I have the voice to reach out to those women who are experiencing the same agony. To give hope where there is doubt and to bring light where there is darkness. You taught me the greatest thing of all which is love.

I’ve been writing about us and never really thought of writing to you until this calling was made. This is the first time that I truly communicated with you. I don’t know how or what I’m going to tell you but I’m doing it anyway. You are my sweet angel and always watching over me and your siblings. In your world there is so much love that I can hardly wait to be there. All my life I wanted to be with you but I guess I still have some work to do here. I believe things happen for a reason and in God’s hands I surrender my life.

Jasmine, I’m truly sorry for not haviing you and for my family’s action of abortion. I can’t bring back the past and all I have now is the present moment. I want you to know that even though I lost you, that you are always in my heart and soul. Everytime I see and smell flowers I’m reminded of you and your beauty in my life. Can you imagine that out of a dreadful experience I will bear fruits of healing, love, hope, faith, joy, forgiveness, surrender, serenity and peace? These are the gifts that you brought into my heart and I thank you for forgiving and allowing me to be your mother in spirit.

Love is timeless and boundless. My love for you is as real as here and now. It leaps through space and time. It is eternal and bliss. Thank you for your presence and love that I feel in my heart. There is nothing in this world that would make my life completely perfect until that time when you take my hand and meet me there in the gateway of heaven.

I love you with my heart and soul.

Mommy Teza

This is the message that was given to me today by my neighbor ” Love is something you should cherish, so let it stand, by your side and treasure it forever.” Wow! I can’t believe an angel in disguise will come knocking on my door. She gave me this painting and just touched my heart to the core. What a miraculous message that truly what I needed to hear right now. Isn’t this the truth when you ask it shall be given, and today the angels are just right in my neighborhood. I am in a vulnerable situation of being in a relationship again and unconsciously guarded my heart not to be broken and feel pain. When you go to this soft place of vulnerability the easier way is to run away but you will end up running away from yourself. Relationships are actually about your intimate self, when my partner is telling me or projecting some kind of actions that I feel rejected then there is something that my self is rejecting other parts of myself. The other person is a mirror of your self so in order to understand yourself is to know what the other person is doing then turn it around, that this person is leading you to what he is projecting is something that is within you that brought this in the first place.

Life is a mirror, look around you, and you will see inside you! It’s an awesome feeling when you can be in the space of acceptance and allowing whatever comes up in your relationships with others be it a lover, family or strangers. It is a beautiful world that we live in when we are awake to these signs of revelation. It feels like a maze, puzzle but truly it is simple, we are magnets and whatever we attract or bring into our lives is just a reflection of ourselves. The hidden factor is us and we live in a paradoxical world. When you think it’s not about you it’s actually all about you so don’t kid yourself to what is in front of you. Stop pointing fingers to whose to blame, they are just mirrors of your self turned inside out. We are one holographic matrices, we create what we have in our plate and if you want to create a beautiful palette of art you begin the journey of the loving artist who is awake, aware and alive in the moment of creations. Let the dreamer in you become alive in the present moment creating dreams and visions that manifest right in your present moment is the miracle of this lifetime. We are in the magnificent shift of our ascension with our mother Earth and all her creations.

How can an eleven year old girl know the wisdom of the heart? it is timeless wisdom that she had tapped into and whatever reason she is in my life right now is a perfect dance of the Universal movements that wakes me up and shake me to the core of my heart and soul that this is what love is. Feeling the moment it presents to you, there is no other way but love and cherish because it is given to you. Not to others but you, you are the magnet of this love and together whoever is giving you this love, you need to wake up and smell the gift of love. Treasure it forever in your heart and soul, creating space that will allow this love to grow just like a flower that blooms, allow the bud of rose to bloom and smell the aroma of lovely roses bringing love, joy and bliss to your presence. We are these roses who longs to bloom in this magical moments of our lifetime. Take the precious time to appreciate these moments that we have, this is the only moment that matters right in your present life. Don’t take anything for granted, bless every person you meet and allow these gifts to bring you love and if there is pain. Accept, allow and stop resisting because it will only comes back to present itself again. Enjoy the presentation and let it go. Go with the flow of life, without attachment to the outcome or expectation, because expectation just leads to disappointments. Be free spirit in whatever you do, say or think.

Being free in spirit is joy, when you are able to see others in the eyes of the soul you have mastered this lifetime. You become the source of joy for others to experience pure love and joy. In our materialistic world we become so blind to see what true love is. To what really matters most in our lives. We are so bombarded with false illusions that we think we are, the ego that craves power and control. We cling to false indentification of our existence, we needed an image to present to the world that we are strong and that we are big. This is the hidden message of our false ego, when we need to magnify a problem, we are putting attention to what is fear. It is love that we need to magnify, put attention to and then we are able to be in inner peace.  This space of allowing whatever the other person is giving you and needing attention is all about themselves. Don’t take their garbage it’s not  yours, you don’t need to react to others stuff but be center and know that you are love and that this person who needs negative attention is just is, they need love. If we are in the space of love, we can see through the problem, there is no such thing as problem they are actually doors of opportunities knocking on your door to become the master of your soul. Then you can practice the Zen part of your meditation, you can actualize the potential of your meditative self. You become the space of love, for peace to enter in others fields and awareness. We are one in this space when one surrenders to what is. As a spiritual master you become the essence of forgiveness, surrender and allowing the space of healing souls to magnify their existence in the midst of brokenness. Love is truly something we should cherish!

Namaste!

In these times of turmoil, sufferings and chaos, human beings who are now experiencing this dilemma in their lifetimes are now releasing these unconscious negative beliefs that are hidden energetically in their existence. Releasing fear and blockage of the truth of who they truly are which is the spirit. There is a spiritual solution for every problem and when things are not going the way you want them to be, then you have to stop and recognize that you magnetize this situation in your realities and ask your self, what is it in me that created this? Most of the times they are unconscious thoughts or beliefs that are embedded deep in the recesses of your being. Some are karmic bondage and unresolved issues from the past that you need to let go and learn the lessons to move forward with your life. When we reflect on the hidden agenda, we are able to open our mind to the truth and open our hearts in allowing a new belief to flow with what you want to create.

Releasing fear, we become empowered to be who we are. Fear is a signal to us where we are not aligned and what we have to face. Facing fear is just like releasing a kite up to the sky to fly, when we hold on too tight to the string that holds the kite we resist and it doesn’t fly higher. Release the fear and you will find that you are liberated from all the illusions that you created in your mind and know in your heart that you are loved. The dreamer in you becomes activated and create the world that you want to see. The desires in your heart manifest to what is appropriate with your vibrations. We then self realized that we are light within and that we have the power to radiate and shine this light into the world. We will become a master of our own existence and know the true purpose of our soul. These are the times of the enlightenment, embodying this light of the Universal and Cosmic mind of God. As we ascend and tune into this light consciousness, we transmute anything that is not of light and toxic to our existence.

Anything that is not vibrating in a high frequency of love and light is a shadow of our own ego and illusion. The chaos  in our energetic field is a mirror of our own inner fear and separation. When we release this fear we become align to our truth which is love and light. The hidden shadows of our emotions such as anger, anxiety, jealousy and greed are just manifestations of our egoic mind and illusions. In the truth only love exists in our fields and be a vessel of light in this existence. The shadow or darkness doesn’t resonate with love and light. When one awakens to the truth, one sees behind the veil of perception and clearly recognizes the truth in every situation. It is about being conscious and aware of all your creations. As human beings we sometimes continue to participate in unconscious acts of illusions or separation. We get ourselves stuck in the shadow and darkness which was our comfort zone. But these are all part of the awakening process, our opening and breakthrough to what is the truth and purpose of our existence.

To be in the truth, we need to align ourselves with the substance of the Universal mind because the Universe functions in the truth. Without this knowing we are lost in our own fear and illusion. The truth resonates within our heart and being conscious of our light that transcends any darkness into light. We are the beacons of light, in order to help this enlightenment we have to allow our bright light to shine. One way to help them transcend their thoughts is by becoming a space for love and light to shine upon them. When they are lost in the dark, the enlightened ones are the guiding light for them to see behind this veil of separation. We can not evolve as one unified and collective consciousness if we ignore those who are lost. We are here to share these gifts and become a support for all that is still in the blind phase of their lifetimes.

Observing others behave in their chaotic situations and seeing the results of their own negative thought patterns makes you wonder how you were in the past and how you lived that victim consciousness for so long without knowing that it actually exist in our own unconscious negative beliefs. Ones aware of your own energetic fields and tap into the Universal mind, you become a conscious being of light. You become one with who you are and what you are suppose to be in this lifetime. You are the light that shines and brings joy into others hearts, bringing them back to their home which is love and light. Returning to home is like feeling at home with your loved ones around you, welcoming your truth and presence. When one is aware of the silence in your inner being one allows the space of unified consciousness. One taps into the Universal bank of the collective consciousness and becomes a conscious being with intent and purpose.

The only way our humanity surpasses these times of chaos and conflicts is to become conscious of our own souls evolution. Without this inner compass of our existence, we are lost continuously creating conflict within and in our external realities. Our thoughts are actively creating our situations and creations, when we tap into our subconscious thoughts we become aware of what we are manifesting and what is not align into our highest potentials. We allow the space of healing and letting our truth resides into our existence, connecting to the source of everything and becoming a space of love and light to radiate in our existence. This is the dream of the dreamer, the art that the artist longs to draw and the tapestry of the weaver’s dream of one unified consciousness into this realm of reality that we co create to manifest within our vista of love and peace for all sentient beings.