From death to life: a teeanage abortion survivor tells her story

This is my written testimony on May 21, 2001 that I wrote in The B.C. Catholic newspaper and I’m here and inspired to share this to all to promote the sanctity of life.

This is what the Lord says; “A voice is heard in Ramah, mourning and great weeping. Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted, because her children are no more.”

“Restrain your voice from weeping and your eyes from tears, for your work will be rewarded, ” declares the Lord. “They will return from the land of the enemy. So there is hope for your future,” declares the Lord. “Your children will return to their own land.”(Jer. 31:15-17)

This is the start of the story of Jasmine, my sweet angel. I knew all along God had a bigger plan for my life, because I believe He will never allow these trials if not for a purpose. In writing this story I ask God to guide me in this calling, it’s a calling because I would not be telling you my life story if not for His glory. God seems to have designed my heart this way. Deeply, I don’t have shame, guilt, fear or desire to be secretive about this situation because in my heart I believe the truth will set you free! Nothing is hidden in His eyes, and I will gladly serve others by my experience if it will bring forth good fruits.

I was living in the Phillippines when it happend; I was just 14 when my parents decided that we would be moving to California. My parents left ahead of me, and I was left under the supervision of my brother. Unfortunately, my brother was quite over protective and insecure. He was physically and verbally abusive towards me. Due to confusion and abandonement, I became a rebel. I had a boyfriend and decided to take revenge on my brother. On my brother’s birthday I dared my boyfriend to make love to me. What a dumb idea but at that time I needed love and validation. I became pregnant.

My parents returned from California. They were worried about the family’s reputation, and my father and brother told me that I had to choose to either marry my boyfriend or abort the baby. I was very depressed, because I wanted to keep the baby but did not want to get married. The next thing I knew my brother and sister took me to a stranger’s house. I can vividly picture the house of that abortionist. There were lots of statues of saints, and in the bedroom where she did the abortions there were fetuses inside the jars, in alignment.

I was very shocked and hurt to see this. I never uttered a word. It was like going to a death sentence. She asked me to lie down and inserted a catheter. I was numb and mentally blank. I felt abused and was dying inside. She told my family that the baby would not be expelled until the next day, so we left. We went to my other brother’s house, because my parents didn’t want me back home. Around 3 o’clock in the morning I was bleeding and in extreme pain. I went to void and felt something. I looked and in the toilet and there was a little mass of blood. Shocked, I screamed at my sister and she flushed the toilet. I was hemorrhaging. My brother wrapped me in a blanket and ran for a taxi, carrying me all the way.

They returned me to that abortionist, and she performed a D and C without anaesthesia. I was in agony but my agony was about losing my baby not about the physical pain. She said I was the only person (on whom she had performed such a procedure) who didn’t scream in pain. She didn’t know that I was dying inside. After a couple of weeks I returned to my parents. But I felt lonely, because nobody talked to me. It was as if everybody was avoiding me. I started isolating myself to the point of not leaving my room for a month. I went into a deep depression. I remember my sister said to me “I missed your laughter, what happend to you?” The vibrant teenager that they knew was gone. In my loneliness I continually blamed God and angry at the world. I wanted to die.

Finally, my family couldn’t handle me anymore, I went to hospital and stayed for a month, being treated with strong anti- depressant medications. I started seeing a Psychiatrist and was put into therapy. I remember I wrote a letter addressed to my family and titled it “Open book,” about my feelings. It was a beautiful book and I wish I had kept it for you to know how a teenager feels when she had been stripped away of her rights. A right to give life!

The story didn’t end there my depression stayed with me till 18 yrs of age. I came to Canada and stayed at my brother’s place for a vacation. I found out that they were unable to have children. They were married for 10 yrs, I really felt bad about it. I said a novena to Our Lady of Perpetual Help for them.

I got pregnant again. This time I did something right. I hid it from my family for six months so they could not kill my child. I dedicated my baby to my brother. Every night, I talked to my child and told him that I’m doing this because of love. I knew I couldn’t provide for him, and he wasn’t going to have a father if I kept him because again I didn’t want to commit. Matt Anthony was born and he was a gift from God. I told God that this is my offering for the abortion that I had when I was 15. Even though it wasn’t my plan to commit that hideous sin, I still felt responsible, because it was my body that was used. The guilt that I was carrying was lifted off my shoulders. When Matt was two months old, I gave him to my brother.

I had an awesome revelation during a retreat I recently went on. I know God wants me to do something about my experience. I was reading Jeremiah in my Bible and thought that Rachel sounded familiar. I remembered seeing Project Rachel on the bulletin board of Our Lady of Mercy church. It is an organization that helps women with post-abortion issues. I talked to my parish priest and ask him “where do aborted babies go father?”He replied, “in the palm of God’s hands!” My heart leaped for joy knowing Jasmine, my sweet angel, is with God waiting and praying for me.

This letter was written when I was asked to write something for my aborted child in a book that was published for aborted babies in the Christian community. Out of the blue I got a letter from someone that they want a letter for my aborted baby and this transpired.

Thirty three yrs ago, I lost the chance of having you because of unfortunate choices that my family made in my young life of fifteen. Although, it wasn’t my choice to lose you, my body was the vehicle of your death and felt a great sense of grief, guilt and responsibility for this hideous murder. Looking back I really don’t know how I stayed sane through the course of my lifetime. As you know your brothers and sister had kept me going through all the years. They gave me the chance to be a good mother, which I never had with you. Losing you made me a better person and realized that I have the voice to reach out to those women who are experiencing the same agony. To give hope where there is doubt and to bring light where there is darkness. You taught me the greatest thing of all which is love.

I’ve been writing about us and never really thought of writing to you until this calling was made. This is the first time that I truly communicated with you. I don’t know how or what I’m going to tell you but I’m doing it anyway. You are my sweet angel and always watching over me and your siblings. In your world there is so much love that I can hardly wait to be there. All my life I wanted to be with you but I guess I still have some work to do here. I believe things happen for a reason and in God’s hands I surrender my life.

Jasmine, I’m truly sorry for not haviing you and for my family’s action of abortion. I can’t bring back the past and all I have now is the present moment. I want you to know that even though I lost you, that you are always in my heart and soul. Everytime I see and smell flowers I’m reminded of you and your beauty in my life. Can you imagine that out of a dreadful experience I will bear fruits of healing, love, hope, faith, joy, forgiveness, surrender, serenity and peace? These are the gifts that you brought into my heart and I thank you for forgiving and allowing me to be your mother in spirit.

Love is timeless and boundless. My love for you is as real as here and now. It leaps through space and time. It is eternal and bliss. Thank you for your presence and love that I feel in my heart. There is nothing in this world that would make my life completely perfect until that time when you take my hand and meet me there in the gateway of heaven.

I love you with my heart and soul.

Mommy Teza

Unconditional love is a fruit of purification that happens within the soul’s journey of a human being. It is a fruit meaning you have to undergo a process that will entail purifying your negative thoughts in the mental fields, your toxic emotions or emotions that calibrate low in the map of consciousness according to Dr. David Hawkins of Power versus Force such as shame, guilt, apathy, grief and fear, clearing your consciousness into the present moment. Removing blockages that stops you from being your highest potential. Releasing unforgiveness from the heart, unconscious negative beliefs in your cellular memory and cellular tissues, unresolved Karmic bonds from family, lineage and DNA level of cellular memory and consciousness. Healing the soul and accessing your Akashic Records to create a space of grace and unconditional love. This soul’s evolution is transcending human consciousness into the Divine’s heart of unconditional love and wisdom.

There are stages of development or process that we go through as human beings before we achieve a level of enlightenment or inner peace. We have to undergo a lot of detachments from all things, relationships, and other wordly attachments, it’s called detoxification. The space that we clear becomes empty and is now ready to be the vehicle of light that the Merkabah or Star Lotus can now freely travel and connect to your being. Our physical existence or body protects and holds this light body. When we are in pain our body is telling us energetically that we are carrying toxin in which ever part of the body the illness manifest. This is how we use the Chakra Energy centers to detect what issues are we going through and which dynamics of energy we need to heal and release these blockages. We are made of waves of vibrations of light particles and love is the magnifying life force that holds us here in our existence. The Source of our creation holds our blue prints when we are created in our mother’s womb, we are holding these blueprints of our souls. Given to us manifesting the grand creations of God. We are being energetically link to the Divine’s Soul of love and wisdom. We have to fill the void with unconditional love from the Divine then we can see and feel love for ourselves and others. Our human conditioning prevents us from fully accessing our Divine self. We are not alone in this soul’s journey, ask and you shall receive. When we ask for healing, support, guidance and direction we are spiritually guided in our higher dimension which is our over soul. Our Akashic Records evolves as we change and transform into more loving and enlighten being. When you are able to align these physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and soul bodies of your existence you become expansive and magnified in a blissful state of co creation with the Divine’s love and wisdom.

The Stages or process of clearing for unconditional love:

1. Awakening from painful situations that you have, if it’s drama or sufferings become aware that everything is energy and that relationships are your mirrors. This is the victim consciousness, the Archetypes of Saboteur, Victim, Prostitute and Child they serve as your catalysts for transformation and shift. See the signs, listen to your dreams and guides for deeper reflection of what is happening. Take full responsibility for attracting these situations, you need to clear more subtle bodies that are still not in alignment with your bright soul. Just like a diamond in a rough, you need this perfect brilliance to become a vehicle of light to others and the Universe. Clarity, inner strength and courage to move on by forgiving yourself and others.

2. Awareness of your soul’s purpose, this is a fire that continually ignites your being. This stage is when you become an observant of your situations, starts practicing meditation, healing, paying attention and listening to your body, mind and emotions. Grounding your soul’s purpose, you realize that you are not about work and you become less attach to what the world affairs are going through. You open your Third Eye Chakra and can see beyond the veil. The truth sets you free and you let go of attachments. You become aware of your bigger purpose and service to humanity. This can be anything from your creative nature, healing others, helping children, being a writer, being a mentor to others, advocating for victims, anything that makes you happy and brings out your passion. See your Archetypal energy patterns, those are your guides and compass to your destination.

3. Alignment to your soul’s purpose through a process of connecting to your spiritual guides, balancing and clearing of your Chakra Energy Centers, aligning your physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and soul levels of bodies into your present moment. All energy fields will be clear at this stage and challenges will come as grounds for empowerment. Bringing the transmission of Divine’s unconditional love and light into your blueprint which is your Akashic Records that is link to all that is, the collective consciousness of humanity. Paradigm shift from victimhood into empowerment.

4. Ascension and Activation of your DNA, cellular tissues, fibers, memories and consciousness into Divine’s love and wisdom. Remembering your home where your heart is. Paradigm shift from being “me” to “we”. Energetically link to the Ascended Masters, Archangels and angels, Saints and spiritual guides for protection, healing, support, direction, clarity and guidance. Return to home, your soul’s access to your Akashic Records and others. Being a vehicle of unconditional love and light. Manifestation and co creation of paradise in your fields. Heaven on Earth experiences and transcending lower vibrations of emotions into love and peace. Your presence dissipates darkness or negative energy, becoming one with the Source and all sentient beings.

Forgiveness is the foundation of healing, when we forgive we create a space of unconditional love and grace. The pathway to oneness is connected through this force, without this bridge we will not achieve inner peace and global peace. As we forgive others for what they did to us, we literrally transcend our vibrations and start to attract more unconditional love and blessings to our lives. The power of this action is beyond measure, there is a rippling effect that happens when we choose to do this. We magnify our existence and manifest lovely experiences in our lifetimes. We learn to let go of the past, pain and heal our cellular memories and consciousness.

The Universe will surely test and give us more situations that will trigger more unforgivenes, until we truly get the lesson behind this situation which is unconditional love. The hidden gem is all about our love for ourselves. If we truly love ourselves, we will not allow thoughts that will harm us in anyway. When we withold love, we create lower vibration that are emotions like guilt, anger, revenge, resentment, anxiety, within our consciousness and thus create stress in our health and being. We become hard on ourselves and we create an armor around our hearts. Our hearts become a perfect ground to breed unwanted feelings and negative emotions. These emotions ruts in our hearts and our souls are stuck in this darkness. We become victims of our own consciousness and when this happen we are separated from our Source. The Source is about love, unity and harmony. We are not here to experience pain and sufferings but to be in the space of love and grace.

We forget who we are, we are spiritual beings in our human suits, all of our dramas are our own creations because we attract who we are inside our hearts. When we see beyond our pain and see the bigger picture we will know that we are all in the same boat. That we experience all these situations in different forms, the question is do we ever get the lessons that we are trying to learn? We all have conscious choices to make in this lifetime, to live a happy life or to be stuck in this negative situation within ourselves and others. Let us wake up and take responsibility for the state of our consciousness.

Blaming others for our state of mind is not going to help us in the present moment. Like the bite of a snake, the bite is long gone but we still suffer the venom of the snake’s bite. We are caught in the poison of the snake, this is the venom of this unforgiveness path. We create more pain by holding this crooked path in our existence. The garden of our hearts is like a landscape, we need to weed out bad weeds like ill feelings and grudges in order to reap good fruits in our harvest. Forgiving the past is not easy but when we want to move forward, we choose to forgive then let go of the past. Focus on your chosen path and follow your heart. This is the return to home, your heart is where your home is.

This is our Sacred Contract, to be with this certain person to experience pain and forgiveness. In the bigger picture, without this situation we are not going to learn the lesson of forgiveness. When we start to see things as is and send blessings to the enemy so to speak, we find this inner peace deep within our hearts. We feel light and we are in the space of grace and Divine’s love. Only through these dark nights of our souls we can achieve true forgiveness and learn the lesson. If we keep denying our own pain and blaming others for how we feel, we will just go in a circle of drama and we keep attracting the same situation with different actors so to speak.

We transcend our pain by forgiving and letting go of this negative karma, we allow the space and power of healing our hearts. We become co creator of our lovely and happy experiences. We choose to empower ourselves and allow our selves to expand into this beautiful creation of God whatever God means for you. We learn to trust the flow of love into our experiences and we become happier in our existence when we connect to the Akashic Records of our souls. This is the secret path to tap into the Akashic Records. We can not touch this when we have unforgiveness in our existence because the heart of our human collective consciouseness is in the realm of our souls. We can only go through the high vibrations of our souls when we connect to the Source of our existence. Our souls vibrate in the frequency of love and light and we have to be align and congruent with our souls in order to have access to the Akashic Records. People are mistaken if they think that you have to be smart in order to access your Akashic Records, it’s actually the heart that needs to be pure to access this high frequency of vibration of love and light. God sees us beyond our mind’s perceptions, but within our heart’s lies the wisdom of our Source. This is the path of our return to home, where love is. There is no sense in holding pain, anger and resentment in our existence because we only give ourselves a more difficult path to thread to.

Let us forgive ourselves first in order to experience true forgiveness for others. We don’t need to be with them but to allow the space of grace and love within our being. It creates a new pattern of experiences and we become more align to manifest our dreams in this lifetime. Let us live in the present moment consciously choosing to forgive. ” I now declare to the Universe and Source that I’m forgiving others who consciously or unconsciously had hurt me in the past and I also ask others to forgive me for hurting them consciously or unconsciously through my thoughts, words and actions, let it be done. May the flow of grace and love be with me in this lifetime. Amen.”

This message was given to me when I opened my business in October 2009. The case is about a mother who passed away at the age of 47 and never finished her book,  titled “I Am Out of  My Divine Mind, Where in the Ego Am I?”  it is a deep question and the way I see it interpreted in my deep recollections is that we are all out of our Divine mind when we are too busy thinking about what to do next on the list. As if our lives is but a collection of check marks of things to do and things to buy. Wow! how did we ever get to this minute  perception of what life should be. We become thinking and doing machines not realizing that we have these precious moments and doors of  opportunities to share the gifts we have as light beings of God. We are in denial of our own true light Divine existence. Why did we do this to our humanity’s integrity and respect for our selves and others? We become greedy of everything that we see, we want everything that is in  material form and in the world has for us.  We have forgotten that the special things are the things that we feel in our hearts not the things that are seen or for show off.

We have to wake up, with the way our economy, government functions and beliefs can influence our being, cyclical  natural events and catastrophes  of this lifetime are giving us signs for our evolution of consciousness. We need to know our souls perspective in order to function in our highest potential. We have to stay away from our thinking mind and recognized that the creative part of the brain will be the one who can give the right answer for your question. It is not easy to balance our right brain and left brain but the Pineal gland will integrate our electro magnetic fields to bring balance and anchor us to our existence. Just like the Earth have Shumann’s Resonance we as are human beings are the same organic being, we have this field of energy body in our system that should be more recognized in healing than healing only the physical symptoms of the diseases. We need to integrate our organic body with nature and stay away from all the toxicity that we develop and chemicals that we think will help in our healing. Healing first of all is beyond the body, it is the healing of the soul and our energy body that will make a big difference in our evolution of consciousness. But first we need to wake up from  all the destruction that we have created ourselves. It is time to turn the table around. We should look within our body and find that space of unconditional love for all sentient beings. Look within the soul and what feelings we have and totally connect to the stillness of the mind.

The ego is such a false voice in our being that we are so blind and deaf to what is the truth of our existence. We believe whatever we see and the unseen doesn’t make sense to us because we carry limited beliefs from our perception. We forgot to use and connect to our insights, gut feelings, instincts and energy body. We judge the book by its cover without reading the content and see for yourself. We are blind to our true self which is our spirit. When we start to wake up and smell the coffee we can accelerate our growth by this awareness. It will bring us freedom of spirit, liberation from all attachments and egoic concerns, fear, and other blockages that we human beings go through. The little things are more important than all these material things that we create and lose the essence of the heart of humanity.

The Divine mind is the Universal connection we have to each other, our human consciousness link to the eternal mind. Our ego is in our being to hold us grounded in this Earth, so we become balance in our spiritual walk of life. Our body, mind, heart and soul is all connected and these has to be align to the higher vibrations of our cellular consciousness to hold the vibrations of light and love. When we self recognized that we are beyond this physical body, we become aware and this is the first step of our enlightenment process. There are a lot of layers to peel off but the healing process can be a lot easier when there is surrendering of ones self to God or Higher Power because without this our existence becomes shallow to the surface and will just continue the Karmic cycle that we create in  our cellular DNA consciousness.

We are magnificent beings that truly resonate with God’s high vibratory frequency of light and love. The declaration to the Universe about our goddess qualities will enhance our existence and receive situations that will lead to that path of least resistance. I have created this declaration or intention with my son Theo and I’m sharing this to help others in their manifestation. “I declare to the Universe that I am empowered, successful in all aspects of life, manifesting abundance, true wealth, good health, happiness, unconditional love, inner peace, and expansion connecting to the force and power of the Universal energy flowing in my existence and being.” With this intention doesn’t mean that all good things will come to you sometimes things that happen will wake you up in your situations where there is light needed to help you transcend this lifetime. It is a blessing in disguise so to speak, but if you choose darkness then this Karma or action will just repeat itself and until you learn the lesson for your highest good and potential that this negative energy will dissipate.

We can not keep running away from our true calling and our heart’s desires they are the true compass in our existence. When we have accidents in life that wake us up to the core, we have to stop doing things that continually ruin our souls. We need inner reflections and truly listening to what the Universe is telling us. Our God or whoever or whatever God is for you will always be there to listen to our prayers or thoughts and intentions. We are all connected to this Divine matrix of energetic fields of light and love. There is no running away anymore, face your fear, accept your mistakes and be responsible for the consequences of your actions. The choice to have a better life is always at your hands. Enough pain and sufferings, be at peace with your own creations and self. Realizing this door of opportunity is here to give you another shot in life where there is love, there is no fear.